I'm not sure it's fully formed yet, but basically it has to do with how people get the opposite POV slightly wrong, yes (in particular the "awesome in-control" thing when in fact one is generally thinking "help, does she like this, should I go back to the paddle, what do I do next?"). However, I don't read any of your HP slash which is, er, about 90% of what you write, so I haven't actually got that much data yet. :-)

Telling someone what to do is a tricky dynamic, I think...