Kupocon and Adam Croasdell making me cry
Feb. 5th, 2018 10:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lokifanI had a great time at Kupocon, a one-day Final Fantasy thing here in London. I met new people and hung out with friends and had a blast. One of the big things that helped ![[tumblr.com profile]](https://www.tumblr.com/favicon.ico)
bestchocobro drag me into FFXV fandom was him having a blast at cons and saying how lovely the fandom was, and he’s totally right <3
I came up in fan-run cons - which Kupo absolutely is, actually, but what I mean there is ‘where the standard thing is fan-run panels and events, rather than the key being getting as many creators as you can and doing signings.’ And like, the vivid Kupo memories are mostly gonna be about playing cards with interesting forfeits, and watching my cardsharp friend do tricks, and helping a mate in amazing MT cosplay to navigate the dealers’ room, and -
Okay, okay, I’m just embarrassed about this post being all How Adam Croasdell Made Me Cry (Not In A Bad Way). BUT WHATEVER LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT.
Sooooo I haven’t really talked about this here, but in 2016 I went partially blind in my left eye. Partially! I don’t even notice day-to-day - the only time it’s really relevant is when I’m doing eyeliner. But. It is a thing - I can’t read with only my left eye, for example, and focussing with both eyes is becoming a bit of an issue. It’s like having a permanent sunspot, even if generally I don’t see it because my brain works around it. In 2017 it became evident that this was gonna stick.
Also the year I discovered FFXV.
Ignis was really, really helpful. To a degree I’m kind of embarrassed about - I wouldn’t ever think to judge anybody else for this, but I’m still like ‘oh god a video game character who saves the world helped me this much ahhhh’. But he’s amazing. And importantly for me, he starts out entirely sighted. He does a lot of things that require being able to see and read. And when he loses his sight, it’s really horrible, and it does damage his ability to do everything he has before; it looks like he might be done on this huge quest. But ten years on, we learn that he’s running around being badass and saving people and as much a part of things as ever, and he’s regained skills he must have thought lost, and then he helps save the world. Even if it feels weird to be all ROLE MODEL about him… he really does inspire me.
And hey, I’m a teacher. Being an amazing tutor and guide to bratty teenagers in the service of helping them save the world, despite my eyes being damaged, is exactly what I want to do.
Adam Croasdell was at this event. Also Liam Mulvey, Jon Campling, and Will Bowden - all funny, thoughtful, delightful actors, but I wouldn’t be writing 5k of meta about Kingsglaive’s subversive politics if I was capable of being succinct about them and their characters, so. Let me spare you all. I will say only that they were all sweet and funny and impressively laid-back - if I was in that situation I wouldn’t be chill without some kind of muscle relaxant.
One note from their panel: I like that Adam Croasdell really appreciates how kind and supportive fandom can be. I think it’s easy to miss, when you’re an actor - both because you can see the nasty side, and because it’s naturally easy to miss how the beating heart of fandom is fans’ interactions with each other when you’re a creator people love (and for good reason). But the kindness of fandom is so so important. And it’s friends I met through fandom who e.g. gave me money and places to stay for a solid month when my mum kicked me out when I was an unemployed 21-year-old. So I have a lot of feelings about this and it’s pretty great to see it appreciated.
Then hanging out, then signing time! Me andchocobutt-trash queued for ages, including through the closing ceremony, and all the actors stuck around anyway and kept not just signing things, but chatting and engaging with people, because they’re absolute class acts. It must’ve been exhausting. Not to mention terrifying, because they must know that the fans will all remember this interaction!!!
chocobutt-trash went just ahead of me, and got Adam (Adam? Croasdell? AC? FANDOMS WHERE ACTORS ARE IMPORTANT ARE SO WEIRD, I MISS BOOK FANDOMS) to sign a print from his incredibly cool project: an Ignis happiness simulator!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With minigames and getting to like, comfort and help Iggy and generally embrace the catharsis of making Iggy happy <333333 The print was this screenshot of gorgeous Iggy and a blank dialogue space for Adam to sign. SO COOL.
Plus it was great because I got to watch Adam’s gleeful reaction without having to like, interact and be all WHAT IS MY FACE DOING HOW DOES A HUMAN FACE. IDK, I’ve met writers I adore, but that was always like… in a bar or something. Signings are new and awkward.
So I got to kind of be like ‘isn’t his project incredibly cool?’ which Adam agreed it was, and I gave him this gooooorgeous print of some Ignis fanart for him to sign (Ignis was fully clothed, you filthy perverts). Discussed how great the print was, and also how upsetting - it’s newly-blinded yet ferocious Iggy from Episode Ignis, and I commented that the vendors’ room was full of fanart that had made me go, “I am not comfortable with having this many emotions in public.” Adam said that FFXV, yep, causes “too many feels” hahaha fannish creators are a thing of beauty and a joy forever.
And. Then. I’d been avoiding thinking about it in the queue, because of the strong chance of wimping out. But I actually said the thing about how last year I’d found out I was partially blind in one eye, and how Ignis had been really helpful.
Adam: that’s - I’m so sorry that happened to you, but I’m glad he could be a comfort?
Me: he’s awesome, which was helpful.
And then he wrote ‘Becky, you are awesome!’ on my print :D Which, LOL, ‘you are awesome’ will be a memory of both a beautiful moment and how hard I lost any vocabulary or ability to be articulate I might have had. I was retaining my chill by the SKIN OF MY TEETH, people.
AND THEN he added a little golden lightning bolt.
I… have a lightning bolt tattoo on the inside of my wrist, which he couldn’t see.
IDK.
I was watching him colour it in in disbelief, checking to see the tattoo was visible, which it definitely wasn’t. When he’d finished, I pushed back my coat and asked if he was psychic.
“I think we just had a moment, don’t you?”
[just = a moment ago, not only, as implied by tone]
I was promptly torn between like, affectionate laughter cos he’s such a hippie - and I live in Stoke Newington, that’s not a criticism, but hahaha - and like. Critical systems failure. We’d all just lived through an emotionally intense closing ceremony where people happy-cried and trembled and hugged a whole bunch and now this was happening??????????? And I am a crier, I mean,bestchocobro can tell you about what the end of FFXV did to me. ‘I don’t want to die without him’ has brought me down HARD more than once.
And then he said… something really nice? Memory began to blur immediately. Something like it being a real pleasure to meet me. And I said the same back and like, wandered off to rejoinchocobutt-trash, and we headed up to meet our friends who were in his hotel room. In the lift my lower lip started wobbling like I was a Prompto whose friends were totally fine with me being an MT, and once we got back to the room and he saw the print bestchocobro was all ‘why did he say you were awesome???? He didn’t write that on mine! WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HIM??????????????’ and I was like ‘later or I really will cry’ because there were tears, oh yes there were tears, but also like. It could have been worse.
And thenbestchocobro manfully restrained himself for a solid ten minutes - aside from the odd “WHAT DID HE DO TO YOU????????” - while I pretended not to be wiping my face and calmed down slightly, before telling the story.
And now I’m telling all of you! AT TOO MUCH LENGTH. But this whole post is a monument to fandom as therapy so whatever, totally posting it like this.
TL;DR: I’m partially blind, which was diagnosed as permanent around the same time I (a spoiler-free n00b) found FFXV, and I told Adam Croasdell Iggy had been really helpful and he was really nice and possibly psychic and I managed to not cry until later but omg I am EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED.
I came up in fan-run cons - which Kupo absolutely is, actually, but what I mean there is ‘where the standard thing is fan-run panels and events, rather than the key being getting as many creators as you can and doing signings.’ And like, the vivid Kupo memories are mostly gonna be about playing cards with interesting forfeits, and watching my cardsharp friend do tricks, and helping a mate in amazing MT cosplay to navigate the dealers’ room, and -
Okay, okay, I’m just embarrassed about this post being all How Adam Croasdell Made Me Cry (Not In A Bad Way). BUT WHATEVER LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT.
Sooooo I haven’t really talked about this here, but in 2016 I went partially blind in my left eye. Partially! I don’t even notice day-to-day - the only time it’s really relevant is when I’m doing eyeliner. But. It is a thing - I can’t read with only my left eye, for example, and focussing with both eyes is becoming a bit of an issue. It’s like having a permanent sunspot, even if generally I don’t see it because my brain works around it. In 2017 it became evident that this was gonna stick.
Also the year I discovered FFXV.
Ignis was really, really helpful. To a degree I’m kind of embarrassed about - I wouldn’t ever think to judge anybody else for this, but I’m still like ‘oh god a video game character who saves the world helped me this much ahhhh’. But he’s amazing. And importantly for me, he starts out entirely sighted. He does a lot of things that require being able to see and read. And when he loses his sight, it’s really horrible, and it does damage his ability to do everything he has before; it looks like he might be done on this huge quest. But ten years on, we learn that he’s running around being badass and saving people and as much a part of things as ever, and he’s regained skills he must have thought lost, and then he helps save the world. Even if it feels weird to be all ROLE MODEL about him… he really does inspire me.
And hey, I’m a teacher. Being an amazing tutor and guide to bratty teenagers in the service of helping them save the world, despite my eyes being damaged, is exactly what I want to do.
Adam Croasdell was at this event. Also Liam Mulvey, Jon Campling, and Will Bowden - all funny, thoughtful, delightful actors, but I wouldn’t be writing 5k of meta about Kingsglaive’s subversive politics if I was capable of being succinct about them and their characters, so. Let me spare you all. I will say only that they were all sweet and funny and impressively laid-back - if I was in that situation I wouldn’t be chill without some kind of muscle relaxant.
One note from their panel: I like that Adam Croasdell really appreciates how kind and supportive fandom can be. I think it’s easy to miss, when you’re an actor - both because you can see the nasty side, and because it’s naturally easy to miss how the beating heart of fandom is fans’ interactions with each other when you’re a creator people love (and for good reason). But the kindness of fandom is so so important. And it’s friends I met through fandom who e.g. gave me money and places to stay for a solid month when my mum kicked me out when I was an unemployed 21-year-old. So I have a lot of feelings about this and it’s pretty great to see it appreciated.
Then hanging out, then signing time! Me and
Plus it was great because I got to watch Adam’s gleeful reaction without having to like, interact and be all WHAT IS MY FACE DOING HOW DOES A HUMAN FACE. IDK, I’ve met writers I adore, but that was always like… in a bar or something. Signings are new and awkward.
So I got to kind of be like ‘isn’t his project incredibly cool?’ which Adam agreed it was, and I gave him this gooooorgeous print of some Ignis fanart for him to sign (Ignis was fully clothed, you filthy perverts). Discussed how great the print was, and also how upsetting - it’s newly-blinded yet ferocious Iggy from Episode Ignis, and I commented that the vendors’ room was full of fanart that had made me go, “I am not comfortable with having this many emotions in public.” Adam said that FFXV, yep, causes “too many feels” hahaha fannish creators are a thing of beauty and a joy forever.
And. Then. I’d been avoiding thinking about it in the queue, because of the strong chance of wimping out. But I actually said the thing about how last year I’d found out I was partially blind in one eye, and how Ignis had been really helpful.
Adam: that’s - I’m so sorry that happened to you, but I’m glad he could be a comfort?
Me: he’s awesome, which was helpful.
And then he wrote ‘Becky, you are awesome!’ on my print :D Which, LOL, ‘you are awesome’ will be a memory of both a beautiful moment and how hard I lost any vocabulary or ability to be articulate I might have had. I was retaining my chill by the SKIN OF MY TEETH, people.
AND THEN he added a little golden lightning bolt.
I… have a lightning bolt tattoo on the inside of my wrist, which he couldn’t see.
IDK.
I was watching him colour it in in disbelief, checking to see the tattoo was visible, which it definitely wasn’t. When he’d finished, I pushed back my coat and asked if he was psychic.
“I think we just had a moment, don’t you?”
[just = a moment ago, not only, as implied by tone]
I was promptly torn between like, affectionate laughter cos he’s such a hippie - and I live in Stoke Newington, that’s not a criticism, but hahaha - and like. Critical systems failure. We’d all just lived through an emotionally intense closing ceremony where people happy-cried and trembled and hugged a whole bunch and now this was happening??????????? And I am a crier, I mean,
And then he said… something really nice? Memory began to blur immediately. Something like it being a real pleasure to meet me. And I said the same back and like, wandered off to rejoin
And then
And now I’m telling all of you! AT TOO MUCH LENGTH. But this whole post is a monument to fandom as therapy so whatever, totally posting it like this.
TL;DR: I’m partially blind, which was diagnosed as permanent around the same time I (a spoiler-free n00b) found FFXV, and I told Adam Croasdell Iggy had been really helpful and he was really nice and possibly psychic and I managed to not cry until later but omg I am EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED.
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