Etiquette question about fandom ex-friends who become TERFs

[lokifan]

TL;DR: so there’s this HP fandom person, MelusinaHP, who I was friends with for years. She’s a militant TERF now. I wrote her birthday fic or fic to her prompts way back in the day. Should I delete her name off the Author’s Notes on AO3 given how comprehensively over our friendship is, and given she might still be a bit of a presence in HP fandom?


So we were properly friends, and part of a wider friend group that went to the pub and the theatre and kink clubs; Melusina and I have a friendship tattoo, ffs, which we share with like 11 more people. Our friend group was mostly done with Potter fandom by 2012 or so but we were still friends; we were at each other’s birthdays. Mel’s hero-worship of JKR never faded and it was a major factor in her radicalisation, though certainly not the only one. I started to see small signs of TERFdom in like… 2018 I think? And in late 2019 I was finally like ‘um, let’s talk about this’ and we had a fight about it over Facebook Messenger. She said a lot of wild transphobic shit, I argued back, then she blocked me and I was like GOOD.

Before that, she and I talked about fic and writing a lot, and shared a taste for darkfic and for kinkfic. I wrote her a few birthday fics, or fics for her prompts. She’s deleted various accounts, and I don’t know if she’s still in fandom as such - my guess would be yes but quietly. On AO3 especially those fics are still up, still getting attention, and her name’s still on them. I’d forgotten.

Would you delete the ‘for MelusinaHP’s birthday’ or ‘for MelusinaHP’s prompt’ off them? It’s attached to a current AO3 account. I don’t want to be seen as attached to her current views, or make anybody who recognises the name feel worried that I’m her friend now, but I also don’t feel any need to hide our actual history of friendship and I feel a bit weird about deleting it. Especially given that credit for someone’s prompt feels like good manners among creatives - thank you for the inspiration.

I guess secret option 3 is to be like ‘this was for Mel’s birthday before she was a TERF’. It goes against all my avoiding-discourse instincts but I mean, I don’t actually care, she gets the reputation she earns if she’s even still around. Hence me naming her in an unlocked post! And I have had to tell multiple trans ex-friends of hers that she’s gone down the rabbithole - people who were close to her, who’d trusted her, who’d been friends of hers for 20 years. So this is nothing haha it just feels kinda petty when I could just delete. Or maybe it’s a good balance to avoid erasing history…

I dunno, I feel like I don’t have strong feelings about the “Author’s Notes of fics I wrote for her” aspect but it’s hard to decide. It’s been years since our friendship ended but we were friends for years before that, so thinking about Mel definitely brings up some feelings! And I think it’s making it harder to decide either way. What would you do? I’d be curious to see if there’s a general consensus!

(Yes, the icon was chosen for maximum drama, haha. No regrets.)

Comments

[musyc]

Honestly, I would in your place. I've removed references to an ex-friend when things went past the point of recovery. I reread my own stuff from time to time, and I don't like seeing the reminders. I might edit to "for [redacted]'s birthday" or to "this was a gift for a former friend" but I generally just delete entirely, no author's note at all.

[lokifan]

Good to know! I don't reread my own stuff much - the majority of it not at all - but that makes sense.

[lunabee34]

I think this is the way. I like all 3 of these suggestions.

[lokifan]

Thanks for chiming in! Good to know.

[elfflame]

I lean towards editing her name out at the very least. I definitely recognize the name, so now I wonder if I have any I wrote for her, though we were never close.

Good luck, whatever you choose.

[lokifan]

Thanks! And yeah, maybe? I don't think she was ever in Daily Deviant, say, but you might well've had overlap, esp since kabal42 was in our shared friend group. He's one of the people I eventually had to message and be like 'so, I think you'll want to know about the conversation I just had...'

[elfflame]

Yeah, I was pretty sure he was, since the friend group he went to visit when he went to England sounded familiar.

[petra]

I would be very tempted to make the notes read something along the lines of: "This was written for MelusinaHP before she followed JKR down the rabbit hole of transphobia."

I can understand just scrubbing the dedications, though, and I wouldn't pressure anyone into changing their dedications into callouts.

[lokifan]

...I actually like that idea, tbh. Definitely combines not erasing history with not seeming to stand with her.

[enchanted_jae]

I think I'd leave it. For all anyone knows, someone else could have asked you to write a fic for her birthday. And, who else but someone that knows her personally would know her viewpoints on issues? Ultimately, handle the situation however feels the most right to you.

[lokifan]

who else but someone that knows her personally would know her viewpoints on issues?

That's a reasonable point in general, but actually she's made it very public on her own Tumblr in the time since we argued over it. "TRAs are an authoritarian gender cult pulling in kids" kinda shit.

[jack]

I think it should be ok either way.

I think the best option might be to edit it to say something like "Written for someone who was a good friend at the time". To avoid the small chance someone reads it, recognises the name as TERF-y, and feels afraid of seeing anorher fic apparently in support. But to say something neutral or positive to reduce the small chance someone might make drama out of it if they notice the chance.

I could go either way on saying "because recently she's subscribed to transphobic viewpoints". That could help reassure someone that HP authors are anti-transphobia. But could also make drama.

[lokifan]

I think it should be ok either way.

Yeah, same.

I could go either way on saying "because recently she's subscribed to transphobic viewpoints". That could help reassure someone that HP authors are anti-transphobia. But could also make drama.

Thanks. I'm leaning towards saying it, cos I think drama is very unlikely.

[autodach]

I would leave the notes as they are. You wouldn't write these fics for her now, but back then you did, and there's nothing wrong acknowledging that. If someone assumes writing for a prompt means you endorse the personal opinions of the prompter (years later, too), that's on them.

[lokifan]

Thanks! Yeah, that's an eminently reasonable pov.

[nerakrose]

oof, that's a tough one. I'm aware of Melusina though we never spoke, I know I've read and enjoyed some of her fics in the past. it's a bummer when you lose friends to bigotism.

I don't know that I have any good advice for you - I have lost friends before to similar reasons, though not for anything as 'public' as JKR terf stuff, just irreconcilable differences of opinion that was small stuff in comparison (but nonetheless important to us, at the time), and I didn't scrub any mentions of those friendships off my older work. I will say though, I wouldn't worry or care about stirring up discourse or wank, I feel like fandom at large already knows JKR and HP can be a touchy subject, so it wouldn't be surprising to see a note like that on a fic. do whatever feels right for you?

if it helps for inspiration or w/e, all my HP fic is still up on ao3, intact, but I turned comments off. that way, people who still derive joy from those fics can access them without me having to orphan them (and thus lose control) but I get to avoid comments on those fics in my inbox on a weekly basis. once I realised receiving comments on my HP fic - no matter how loving/appreciative - was just giving me anxiety, I turned them off. I put a disclaimer about it on my ao3 profile so that if anybody reading those fics wonders why they can't comment, there is an explanation (if they seek it out).

[lokifan]

. I'm aware of Melusina though we never spoke, I know I've read and enjoyed some of her fics in the past.

Yeah, she was definitely a presence in the fandom.

I will say though, I wouldn't worry or care about stirring up discourse or wank, I feel like fandom at large already knows JKR and HP can be a touchy subject, so it wouldn't be surprising to see a note like that on a fic.

That's a good point, yeah.

I don't mind comments on my HP fic myself. I really like how you handled that - to keep control and protect yourself while also letting people enjoy the fic.

[lordhellebore]

Oh good grief, Mel. I have my personal beef with her, but anyway. Personally, I'd delete it, because no way would I want any of my works still associated with a TERF like her. Imho, it doesn't mean you are hiding your history with her, but more like disentangling yourself from someone on AO3 who you no longer associate with.

But of course, it's also not *wrong* to simply leave it. You were friends, and there is no shame in that, since she wasn't always (publicly) the way she is now and you could've had no way to know.

[lokifan]

I have my personal beef with her

As so many did, haha.

Imho, it doesn't mean you are hiding your history with her, but more like disentangling yourself from someone on AO3 who you no longer associate with.

Mmm, that's a very good point. And yeah - I mean I think she genuinely wasn't always this way. Certainly we had like six trans mutual friends I can think of off the top of my head, which of course only made the whole thing more shocking & depressing.

[lordhellebore]

Yeah, true xD We bonded over our kids back then, and over being rather, uh, blunt lol. I met her once when I came to the UK and it was a lot of fun. In the end, we had our final falling out about her accusing me of disagreeing with her on a fandom opinion simply to annoy her. It was the last straw for me.

And I can only imagine how terrible that was, especially for those friends, but for you as well of course :/ When I found out about her sticking with Saint Transphobe JKR, well, you can imagine how I felt considering my son - and now considering myself.

[angelbabe_cj]

Well shit, that's a really tough situation to be in. I'm lucky that to the best of my knowledge all the close friends I've met via HP have not taken that route. In fact they're some of the few people I would actually discuss the fandom with anymore, for the most part it's just too conflicted if I'm not super clear on people's views.

Here's what I've done on my aO3 profile if it's helpful at all: I added a disclaimer that I don't share JKR's views and find them abhorrent. I don't want to take them down because there are some that I'm really proud of. I don't know what I'd do if it was a fic dedicated to a former friend though. I'm sending strength for your decision.

[lokifan]

I'm sending strength for your decision.

Thanks <3

all the close friends I've met via HP have not taken that route. In fact they're some of the few people I would actually discuss the fandom with anymore, for the most part it's just too conflicted if I'm not super clear on people's views.

Same, actually! With the exception of this person, ofc. And I think I'll take your lead on the AO3 profile thing - thanks!

[sabotabby]

TERFs don't deserve discretion or politeness. I think any of the options are justifiable. You could even add a note: "This was written before the author was radicalized; I have no association with her or her views, but I'm leaving it up for the purposes of transparency" or however you want to phrase it.

[lokifan]

Yeah, I'm leaning towards a note along those lines. And yeah, I mean, I considered flocking or leaving her name out of this post, purely out of habit, and then thought... why? This isn't the moment for discretion.

[lordhellebore]

Why indeed? She made her hateful views public, so it should be fine to discuss her in public.

[(Anonymous)]

Wow, I'm sure I remember her having a nonbinary child. I'd actually wondered over the years how her attitude to JKR would be holding up, and assumed it would have come to a sad disillusionment and parting of the ways. I'm shocked.

[archaeologist_d]

I'd delete her name at least anywhere you can.
if anyone asks you why, then you can explain.

[spiralsheep]

I don't have an opinion. You do have my sympathy.

Bigotry is so unnecessary. Life is hard enough.

[flamingsword]

I like secret option 3. It distances you from the TERFy views of your former friend, and reassures trans folks and our allies that they’re not about to read something they will have to click out of halfway through in a big mad or an outright dysphoria episode.

I’m sorry that someone you were close to chose bigotry over you, your friends, and presumably her own fans. I know how invalidated it can make you feel to be rejected for doing what’s right.